Falling

I was falling. Falling through time and space and stars and sky and everything in between. I fell for days and weeks and what felt like lifetime across lifetimes. I fell until I forgot I was falling.

Jess Rothenberg

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Depression, Anxiety, Anger, Fear… Pain

Your worst enemy cannot hurt you as much as your own thoughts, when you haven’t mastered them. – Gautama Buddha

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Ghost

November. It is nowhere near me now. November is circling back around though. It moves along confidently, in an evil orbit, content to slowly circumnavigate it’s way back to me. Floating overhead like a bloodlusting scavenger bird. Feathers that are oily with the stench of black. A sickly, satisfied bird, pleased with itself and a meal yet to come.

Patiently, November waits to destroy me again. To cast a coasting predator’s shadow over me. Every love song in this honky-tonk bar reminds me that I broke up with a whore, but that I still miss her. Relapse. I’m not in this moment. My friends disappear like a mirage as my emotions take over. I miss her. Her horrible betrayals, her deceptions and unbelievable cruelties. I miss her treachery the way an addict misses the necessary needle; poison in the veins.

I broke up with the worst person I have ever met, last November. I’ve been running ever since. Like a doomed animal scared of the growing, approaching darkness soaring in callously from above. There is no escape.

The further away from November that I get, the closer it becomes again.

I’m drunk and I need to find my way home.

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Crossing

There is no more need for you, now. Should I keep my killer?

Murderer of the misled, your gentle prints are everywhere. But no one is looking for you.

Your sanguine stroke, plunging the knife forward in full view of the greedy glass eye. Tender turned to Tinder. You snap, you chat. Filter. Your wolves gather.

With a slasher’s practice you swipe right. You match, and my bruised blood flies. You smear it with pointy fingers; a thirsty boy audience erupts with erotic glee.

Your blade flaps and laughs. You circle back and twirl with an injured smile. A final fatal strike, and for the first time I rise.

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No Closure

The most painful question for this wounded lover is

“Why?”

The hard, most jagged, bitter answer I received was

“It doesn’t matter now, anyway.”

She pitched that answer to me in a parking lot, when she already had been making arrangements with another man who lived in her apartment complex… And several other men using the Tinder app.

“It doesn’t matter now, anyway.”

A cowardly dismissal of what we held dearest. A year-long love affair batted away amid a parking lot conversation, like a nuisance bee, as she collected her keys, called me a beggar, and drove to him… I’m told she just tweeted that he’s the “2018 upgrade”. Dear friends: Please don’t tell me these things. Because now I have to eventually forgive her for that too, and I’m running out of forgiveness. Please don’t let me run out of forgiveness. It’s the only thing keeping me from drying up, the only liquid I have left.

But please, friend: Have you heard anything else?

“It doesn’t matter now, anyway.”

Hearing those words was beyond belief. Those words. They were a dagger thrown into the middle of a beautiful portrait we painted together and tenderly called “us” and kept on the wall for the appreciation of all, including ourselves. A Rembrandt created with two brushes, by two lovers who made promises of forever.

I will always love you.

I will always take care of you.

I will grow old with you.

I will protect you, and never, ever hurt you.

“It doesn’t matter now, anyway.”

It rips through the canvas and tears at the soul. The agonizing abruptness and cold cruelty slice through the stomach and let everything inside the body spill out to the ground. The appetite leaves because there is no longer a reason to eat. Food falls from the hand, back to the plate.

Now for the worst cruelty: this week she made a point to seek me out, and kiss Mister 2018 in front of me.

“Why?”

For reasons that are unknown to her, for reasons that are stark, ironic and hellish to behold, she is ultimately right:

It doesn’t matter now, anyway.

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Gratitude

“I hope one day, we find each other again and laugh over whatever pain we might have caused…” – R.M. Drake

I am trying to make you a part of my past, to break away from you, but our experiences together keep us connected on a cosmic level. Forever connected. Time is an illusion.

I have to change the way I think about you. The lens I use to view our experiences together… Our “time” together. I must be aware that I cannot bury your memories, lest I should bury a part of me. I am alive, and no part of me can be buried until all of me is ready to return to dust. I must accept my experiences with you the same way I accept a sunrise and a sunset.

Eventually I will heal enough to smile about some of our memories together. For now, I will settle for just being grateful to The Creator for putting you in my path although I do not understand why.

I am grateful that I survived you.

I am stronger for having survived you.

That’s the best I can manage right now. But I know me well enough to know that I can and will change my view of our experiences, eventually. Those changes in my heart will bring me more peace and awareness; they are blessings, waiting on my horizon.

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Forgiving

I forgive you for the lies you told me the entire year we were together.

I forgive you for cheating on me.

I forgive you for the STD you gave me and then lied about, as I choked on the chalk water they made me drink at the hospital.

I forgive you for abandoning me with no explanation.

I forgive you for the way you twisted the knife, by parading men around in front of me.

I forgive you for your continuing harassment.

I forgive you.

I forgive you, because I need to do so in order to forgive myself too.

And now, I’m moving past you.

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Being Single

Being single feels like failure. I’m still in pain from my breakup and every instinct in me tells me to frantically find someone to distract me, to help me avoid the pain, to help me create the illusion of being okay again. She moved on less than 24 hours after we broke up. It’s been six weeks and I can’t imagine being intimate with anyone else.

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Beautiful Faces

Take a quick scroll through Instagram, and realize that a beautiful face is very ordinary.

Inner beauty is extraordinary. Inner beauty transforms the way others see you. People with inner beauty flourish before the eyes of others and these people become even more attractive as time goes by.

When you look in the mirror, do you hate your face?

Are you not accepting that you are a wonderful person, capable of creating happiness and positive connections with others?

Physical beauty fades. There are no exceptions to this rule. Become the person you were meant to become, and realize that you cannot become this person by simply putting on clothes or makeup. True beauty lies within the heart.

Beautiful faces smile even though their teeth aren’t straight, their eyes aren’t perfectly symmetrical, their nose doesn’t look just right in photos. Still, they smile. They are beautiful because of their acceptance. Acceptance of self. Acceptance of others.

Don’t use social media as the framework for your self-image. This will lead you down a path of self-loathing, and zero tolerance for the imperfections of others. This is one of many paths towards loneliness and regret.

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Loss, and Spiritual Death

I reached the bottom, the absolute bottom, and felt like I could not go any further down, and that the only answer was to leave this world and the pain behind, and so I died.

I put a gun in my mouth to die a mortal death. But instead I got out of the tub. I found a way to get up, pick up the pieces, start over. I died a spiritual death, reborn again in the same body.

Am I surrounded by people who have experienced this death and rebirth within the same bodies? Do I brush past these people who also focus on daily distractions from pain?

These days my self-talk goes like this: The spiritual death and rebirth takes place when we are at our lowest and yet survive. In our darkest moments we are forced to face our fear; we are forced to work through our pain and despair. We are forced to eventually accept the loss of what we thought we couldn’t live without, and then begin to realize what truly matters in our lives. Some of us will spiritually live and die many times over in the span of a mortal lifetime.

Each rebirth is a transformation I make as I get closer to my true self.

Loss is painful, but it is a crucial part of my path. A necessary waypoint. In order to move forward, I have to walk through it. To walk around it, to avoid the pain of loss, is to leave my necessary path.

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